“It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.” – W. B. Yeats
This is my test.
This is my time to prove that I understood that I deserve to experience great things in life. That I deserve to love, to laugh, and to be light. To receive light. Darkness is here only to help me realise that. to help me realise my light.
I worship you
and I fear
how the blue light on your skin
makes me forget the pain I’ve seen
It’s too good to be true
this just can’t be you
you’re honey for my mind
of that sweet, overwhelming kind
who are you
fire, bright reflection?
oh how beautiful I feel
in the flaws of your perfection
letting go and I start to flow
giving in to the beauty
that is to watch you loving me
like twins in another place
who locked eyes and saw the same face
they were one before they were two
but finally forgot who was who
can I live up to your expectations
or, erm, do I really want to?
first I’m me, then I’m a woman
the one who gets to see that shall be my true man
my heart needs the space
to put you in its place
so I can love you truthfully
this is my bedtime prayer
in a scared whisper, I beg you
God teach us how to dance together
and show me how to love this man forever
In death I find comfort
in life I search for it
sometimes I wonder
which path is really lit
under the moonlight I ponder
if I’ll ever be free
or if I’ll always regret
not having found Me.
The power of unfulfilled desires is the root of all of man’s slavery.
– Sri Yukteswar in Autobiography of a Yogi, pg 415
I saw this video today and giggled at the fact that this bird’s quest is the perfect metaphor for my journey of self-discovery.
Just like this bird, I know where I am going and what I’m looking for. But just like the part of myself which I’m calling the sceptic, nothing seems to be happening: I throw my heart out and my piece of bread just gets smaller and smaller.
At least that’s what I think when I’m having a bad day. The truth is, I’m not losing anything. Worrying that I’m a misfit with no solution are all illusions of the sceptic that need to go. I am not throwing my tiny piece of bread into nothingness.
It’s just that I’m quickly becoming aware of things that were never right in my life, aspects of me which I ignored because I didn’t have the courage to face them. And it hurts to see them. But now I do. Now that I shine a light, I can see my dark corners. And having guilt or shame about these dark corners is not allowed because it’s all part of the process. And in a way, it’s beautiful.
So listen up, sceptic: I will be patient and I will keep you calm. That’s it. Try to cooperate. I’m just trying to make you feel it, even if only for a split-second. We are what we are looking for, man.
Can you feel it? The big fish is us.
A friend of mine, Emma, recently told me that she felt that doing the Kundalini teacher training course (yes, we’re almost teachers!), is like finally drinking from an infinite source of water that was scarce all her life – as if she was wondering thirsty along the desert until now. Her words inspired me so much that I ended up writing this… because yes, we were chasing a mirage by joining this course, we had no idea what to expect, we were scared, but we did it anyway! And now I too feel like I’ve found the tip of my Oasis.. something that I thought was only a mirage all my life… and there’s so much to discover! Even if for the rest of the world my Oasis might seem just a crazy mirage, I have tasted it. I am in it. My inner journey has begun 🙂
I love food – especially in the winter, when the sun is down and my mind is frosted, friends are far away and laughter is quietly asleep.
Like a true Omnivore, I can generate energy from anything I eat and feel good with it – from milk to apples, bread to lentils. I love it all and I feel the benefit of it all. Even that of meat. But how beautiful is this cow? seriously. It’s hard to take a look at this gorgeous being and then eat it in a taco.
I can’t love the cow and eat it too. Hunf! I quit smoking the other day and I know the next step will be to go vegetarian. Not crazy vegetarian, just quietly vegetarian – learn tonnes of recipes, be comfortable in it. No pressure, stepping in and out of it as I wish. Cleanse my body, love the beautiful beings around me without ‘but’. Honour this cow, who deserves a peaceful life as much as I do…
I quit smoking the other day and I know the next step will be to go vegetarian. Not crazy vegetarian, just quietly vegetarian – learn tonnes of recipes, be comfortable in it. No pressure, stepping in and out of it as I wish. I just want to cleanse my body and love the beautiful beings around me without having a ‘but’ in my mind. Honour this cow, who deserves a peaceful life as much as I do…
It’s not easy though. If only I didn’t have to choose.
Like this Cachena cow. This lucky/unlucky cow (you decide) lives in the moment. She has no choice! Every morning, she takes on her destiny without a single worry in her mind, no matter if she’s about to live or to be tacoed. The choice is all on us, really. The ones who worry…
Humans, we can’t control life, but we can foresee it. Because of that, it’s our responsibility to create the spectacular life that we are capable of imagining. Wow. Lucky and unlucky us. So there’s a tiny bit of pressure.
I’d like to share with you who inspired me to write this post: this cow and the woman singing in this music. No joke. Here’s my ‘Give-veganism-a-try’ meditation kit:
Step 1: Stare at this beautiful cow
Step 2: Listen to this healing music
Step 3: Imagine this cow’s heartbeat synched with yours, radiating light around her
You’ll see what I mean…
Amma on Shivaratri:
“No matter how turbulent the situation, the Lord Shiva’s head and inner realm remains peaceful. Though the head is cool, the heart is always warm with compassion for the world. What we need is a cool head and a warm heart. But what we see in the world today is the very opposite: most people are hot-headed and cold-hearted. Everyone’s head is heated up by worldly thoughts, and the heart has become frosty with selfishness. If our head is cool, we can face the most adverse circumstances peacefully and turn it to our advantage.”