“Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth.” – Henry David Thoreau.
The power of unfulfilled desires is the root of all of man’s slavery.
– Sri Yukteswar in Autobiography of a Yogi, pg 415
I saw this video today and giggled at the fact that this bird’s quest is the perfect metaphor for my journey of self-discovery.
Just like this bird, I know where I am going and what I’m looking for. But just like the part of myself which I’m calling the sceptic, nothing seems to be happening: I throw my heart out and my piece of bread just gets smaller and smaller.
At least that’s what I think when I’m having a bad day. The truth is, I’m not losing anything. Worrying that I’m a misfit with no solution are all illusions of the sceptic that need to go. I am not throwing my tiny piece of bread into nothingness.
It’s just that I’m quickly becoming aware of things that were never right in my life, aspects of me which I ignored because I didn’t have the courage to face them. And it hurts to see them. But now I do. Now that I shine a light, I can see my dark corners. And having guilt or shame about these dark corners is not allowed because it’s all part of the process. And in a way, it’s beautiful.
So listen up, sceptic: I will be patient and I will keep you calm. That’s it. Try to cooperate. I’m just trying to make you feel it, even if only for a split-second. We are what we are looking for, man.
Can you feel it? The big fish is us.
My body is the home of violent emotions
Some of which I don’t understand
I ignore them and suppress them
But I’m not able to withstand.
Searching for the brightest light
Softly beaming in the darkest corner
I spot it and laugh out loud
But when I open my eyes, I feel the void.
Scary is to not know
Fear is to doubt
Will the void get out of control?
Is the promise land a hoax?
I hit the breaks and I come home
The void is just a game I play
I know that. I feel that. It’s okay.
No hard feelings
Lies; of course there are
Darkness is full of them
Hidden in the birds, in the trees and in the sea.
I meditate and I sink
And slowly, I let myself be pulled back
I’m not speeding up the journey
Where to, if what I need is to get back to the start?
So I let darkness kiss my cheek
My eyes, my heart, and my feet
I invite it to sit with me
And let is show me what I need to see