I want to love this man

I worship you
and I fear
how the blue light on your skin
makes me forget the pain I’ve seen

It’s too good to be true
this just can’t be you
you’re honey for my mind
of that sweet, overwhelming kind

who are you
fire, bright reflection?
oh how beautiful I feel
in the flaws of your perfection

letting go and I start to flow
mesmerised, electrified
giving in to the beauty
that is to watch you loving me

like twins in another place
who locked eyes and saw the same face
they were one before they were two
but finally forgot who was who

can I live up to your expectations
or, erm, do I really want to?
first I’m me, then I’m a woman
the one who gets to see that shall be my true man

my heart needs the space
to put you in its place
slowly
so I can love you truthfully

this is my bedtime prayer
in a scared whisper, I beg you
God teach us how to dance together
and show me how to love this man forever

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Enlightenment explained by a bird

I saw this video today and giggled at the fact that this bird’s quest is the perfect metaphor for my journey of self-discovery.

Just like this bird, I know where I am going and what I’m looking for. But just like the part of myself which I’m calling the sceptic, nothing seems to be happening: I throw my heart out and my piece of bread just gets smaller and smaller.

At least that’s what I think when I’m having a bad day. The truth is, I’m not losing anything. Worrying that I’m a misfit with no solution are all illusions of the sceptic that need to go. I am not throwing my tiny piece of bread into nothingness.

It’s just that I’m quickly becoming aware of things that were never right in my life, aspects of me which I ignored because I didn’t have the courage to face them. And it hurts to see them. But now I do. Now that I shine a light, I can see my dark corners. And having guilt or shame about these dark corners is not allowed because it’s all part of the process. And in a way, it’s beautiful.

So listen up, sceptic: I will be patient and I will keep you calm. That’s it. Try to cooperate. I’m just trying to make you feel it, even if only for a split-second. We are what we are looking for, man.

Can you feel it? The big fish is us.